Friendships are meant to be a source of joy, support, and connection in our lives. Yet, sometimes, managing these relationships can feel more like a burden than a blessing!
This week in the Friendshift Circle, we looked at the signs of healthy vs unhealthy friendships, and explored the reasons why we stay 'stuck' in friendships that don't give us what we need. We realised the group had a lot in common! From being tired of chasing surface-level connections, to being uncertain how to meet new people, to feeling guilty about taking time out from their friendships to rest, it was really reassuring for our participants to know that they weren't alone!
If you've also found yourself wondering why your friendships seem to require more effort than they should, help is here! I've put together five key reasons why this might be happening, and how you can start to shift towards more fulfilling friendships.
1. You're Chasing the Wrong Connections
We often find ourselves drawn to people based on surface-level attributes - for example, their charm, wit, or impressive talents. While these qualities can be appealing, they don't necessarily translate into a capacity for genuine friendship. Sometimes, we pursue friendships with people who seem friendly, but who just don't have time or energy to invest in building a meaningful friendship. It's also easy to continue investing in friendships which used to be much more fulfilling but which - for whatever reason - just aren't giving you what you need any more.
Consider this: Are you investing your time and energy in relationships with people who share your interests, have strong 'friendship qualities,' and who have the capacity for the kind of friendship that you desire? If it feels harder than it should, it's possible that you're pursuing connections with people whose priorities, values or social needs are fundamentally different from yours. Over the long term, this can cause friction and disappointment.
Take a moment to reflect on your current friendships. Are they based on mutual respect, shared values, and genuine care? Or are you holding onto relationships out of habit or fear of being alone? Remember that gently winding down friendships that aren't working can actually free up space, time and energy for positive new connections.
2. You're Not Managing Your Introvert Energy
For introverts, social interactions can be particularly draining. This goes beyond just wanting a lie-in after a night out; it's about understanding and respecting your own energy limits.
Many introverts struggle with setting clear boundaries around their social commitments. They may push themselves to attend every event or always be available for their friends, leading to burnout and resentment. Remember: your social energy is a precious resource that needs careful management! Taking care of your own needs isn't selfish - it's an absolute necessity for maintaining healthy, sustainable friendships. Why not schedule time away from the crowd, and treat it with the same importance as you would a social occasion? It's also fine to be honest with your friends about your need for rest, even if that means you have to say no sometimes.
3. You're Spending More Time 'Fixing' Than Enjoying
Healthy friendships should feel good, nourishing and enjoyable most of the time. If you find yourself constantly trying to resolve conflicts, adjusting your behaviour, chasing or apologising, you might be in a relationship that's more draining than fulfilling.
While all friendships require some level of effort and compromise, they shouldn't feel like constant maintenance work. If you're always walking on eggshells, unsure of where you stand, or feel responsible for managing the emotional state of the friendship, it's time to reassess. When was the last time you simply enjoyed your friend's company without any underlying tension, resentment or difficulty? If you can't remember, it might be time to consider whether this relationship is serving you well.
4. You Haven't Defined What 'Good' Looks Like
It's really common for friendships to start 'by chance' - we go into them because we've made a connection that feels good, without a clear idea of what we're looking for or what a healthy friendship should look or feel like. This lack of clarity can - in the long run - lead to confusion, disappointment, and a sense that something is 'off,' without being able to pinpoint exactly what.
To avoid this, it pays to take time to reflect on what you truly want from your friendships. How do you want to feel when you're with your friends? What does mutual support, respect and reciprocity look like to you? What are your non-negotiables in a friendship? How much of your time and energy are you prepared to make available?
Remember: understanding your own needs and expectations is the first step to building more fulfilling friendships, by helping you to make informed decisions about which relationships to nurture and which ones might need to be re-evaluated.
5. You're Doing It Alone
When facing challenges in our friendships, it's easy to feel as though we're the only person in the world feeling the way we do. We might feel embarrassed that we care so much about a friendship (vs, say, a romantic or family relationship) and convince ourselves that we should be able to handle it on our own. Don't forget that friendships are just as real and just as important as other types of relationships! And it can be just as painful to navigate problems in our friendships. The only difference is that we're not used to talking about friendships in the same way - which is something I'm trying to change!
Remember that reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Whether it's another trusted friend or family member, a therapist, counsellor or coach, external perspectives can provide welcome reassurance that we're not alone, as well as invaluable insights into our relationship dynamics and new ideas on how to make things right.
Moving Forward
Sometimes, recognising that things feel difficult and understanding why is an important step towards creating more satisfying connections. As our lives change, it's normal for our friendships to change too. Remember that it's okay to outgrow certain relationships, and / or to realise that some friendships no longer serve you.
If you want to learn how to spot unhealthy friendships, and to work out what 'good' looks like for your friendships, we're building everything you'll ever need over at Complete Connection Confidence and The Friendship Circle. Hope to see you there!
1 comment
Nice article, Hannah! Provided a lot of thoughtful insights. The concept of really choosing and cultivating friendships is still somewhat of a new concept for me. Thanks for your efforts!