At our Friendship Circle Community Call last Friday, one of our members raised a dilemma he was facing: how to know when you've outgrown a friendship, and how to renegotiate the terms of that friendship (for example, seeing them less often, providing less emotional support) without hurting your friend.
Friendships are some of the most enriching relationships in our lives, and can provide support, joy, adventure and companionship. However - as we grow older, have new experiences and as our lives change, it’s not uncommon to find that certain friendships no longer serve us in the way they once did. Outgrowing a friendship can be difficult to recognise, and to navigate. But it's only in doing so that we're able to make space for newer connections to come in which are more aligned with 'where we are now,' and more able to give us what we need.
So how can we recognise when a friendship has run its course?
1. Conversations No Longer Excite You
One of the most telling signs that you may have outgrown a friendship is that you don't feel that interested any more in the usual topics of conversation. Perhaps you spent your 20s and 30s bonding over the details of your relationships, but now that you're in your 40s you feel a bit limited in only having that to talk about. If you find that your conversations revolve around topics that no longer excite you or align with your current beliefs, ideas or values, then it might be time to reassess whether the friendship is giving you everything you need.
2. Increased Tension or Conflict
Every friendship has its ups and downs, but if you find yourself regularly bickering with your friend, or coming away feeling as though you need to let off steam or vent to others, this could be a sign that your friendship has run its course. Frequent moments of tension can be a sign that you just don't agree on the fundamentals any more, and / or that you have incompatible communication styles. If you've tried to resolve any differences and you're still not seeing eye-to-eye, then it might be time to reconsider how well this friendship is serving you.
3. Feeling Drained After Interactions
Even if you're not bickering or fighting, if you consistently feel drained or exhausted after spending time with a friend, it’s worth examining whether this is a friendship you want to continue to give your time and energy to. Healthy friendships should leave you feeling good about yourself - if yours isn't, then it might be time to look at why. Perhaps your friend is negative about things that you see more positively. Perhaps they're happy to receive your support, but aren't as happy to reciprocate. If you often feel tired or resentful after spending time with your friend, then it may be a sign that your friendship has run its course.
4. Your Friend Doesn't Support You
Life is full of transitions - new jobs, relationships, personal challenges - and a supportive network is crucial in helping us navigate these. If you notice that your friend is absent or unsupportive during significant moments in your life, and / or if you feel that they are more critical than supportive of your aspirations and achievements, then it could signify that you've outgrown the friendship.
5. You're Not As Intimate Any More
You used to share everything and know all the details of each others' lives, but now you feel a bit like ships passing in the night. If you used to be close, and now feel more guarded, or as though you just don't know how to rebuild your connection, then it could be because you've just outgrown each other.
6. You Don't Want To Reach Out
The thought of reaching out to a friend should be something you look forward to. If reaching out feels like something you have to do, rather than because you want to, then once again this could be the time to take a long, hard look at your friendship. Sometimes people just drift apart, and you may not even be able to pinpoint one specific reason why this has happened to you. But if spending time with your friend has become more of an obligation than a pleasure, then it may be time to consider whether it's time to call it a day.
Conclusion
Outgrowing a friendship doesn’t have to be a negative experience; it can be an opportunity for growth and self-discovery, and a way to make space to bring new connections into your life. Recognising the signs that a friendship can be difficult, but can ultimately empower you to make friendship choices that suit your life as it is now. Remember, it's okay to let go of friendships that no longer serve you.
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